Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Heather's LiveJournal:

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Friday, February 16th, 2007
6:09 pm	I'm in a really really good mood right now. Last night was hard. Because confrontations are never easy. But I'm glad we had a talk, just to get things out in the open and that's the only way to work towards things being better for everyone. And Chris surprised me after work. He was trying to bring me coffee but I get off at 11 and he thought 11:30 b/c usually I eat after work. But it still made me extremely happy because I know that he really honestly does care about me and wants to make me happy. And I care about him. And then we had a day date and talked, and that was really good. Spanish was easy and then Mar and I got coffee so we had a chance to talk more. And then I decided to go workout with Mar and I'm glad I did. I ran 3.5 miles, and it felt soooooooo good to have my blood pumping again. So now I'm going to eat some soup. I'm excited to learn some belly dancing moves for Em's show. I mean belly dancing is awesome. And I'm nervous as hell because I know I won't look at all like Mar and Em. But I think it will be fun either way. And Mar and Em told me they appreciate me going to the cruise. And it just feels like things are semi more clear right now. At least at the moment haha. I guess life is never a steady easy stream. But things are good. And working towards better. I'm not going to have any expectations about tonight. I'm just going to go with the flow and go to the cruise and see how the night takes me. And be productive. Yay love and life. I have awesome friends. And an awesome boyfriend. And an awesome family. (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 8th, 2007
3:50 pm	I'm cold. And very hungry. And feeling kind of down. I wish summer was here. Just for a day so that I could actually feel the sun when I walk outside. I wish I was sitting in the hammock in my yard watching the sunset and reading the 6th Harry Potter over again sipping a latte that my mom made. That's where I would be right now. And maybe Mar and Em would be sitting with me also reading Harry Potter. And then at night we'd lay out sleeping bags next to a fire and watch the stars and talk until we fell asleep and be inspired by our brilliance. Yes. That is what I would like to do right now. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 8th, 2007
2:08 am	tonight we went to the bk naked. with coats. it was awesome. and we had a chill semi drinking party night for sami's b-day. it was a nice difference from our usual parties, though to be honest, i missed the all out crazy glow in the dark bubble dancing all night long. although, our kick ass outfits made up for it. we are so fun. im glad. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 3rd, 2006
8:48 pm	So I'm hoping that my pms week is over, and that my period will be arriving in a couple days. chloe, I don't know if it's similar, but I've felt disappointed in myself lately. Mostly about school and work and how I feel like I'm not being nearly productive enough. I don't have ambition for things like homework and classes. They seem so miniscule. Wah. I just need to little by little get things on track again that way. I just thing that my plans aren't so set in stone anymore for what i want with my life so it makes it difficult to know which way to charge towards. Onward we go. Things otherwise are good, and even though last night ended up lame, it was still a really awesome night, and even though I've been bitching a lot at Chris lately, I feel much better now. It's hard to differentiate different feelings of stress and figure out where they spawn from. And it's easy to use Chris as a punching bag. I'm excited for us to go to the melting pot next weekend. This week I'm going to be productive as shit I've decided. and i am going to start running again. because i dont want to get fat. and because ill have more energy if i start eating/exercising well again. i love my roomies. i have a good boyfriend. i have other good friends as well. yay me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2006
12:43 pm	im just gonna mention one more time how i have the best group of friends in the entire world. that's all. (Comment on this)
12:41 pm	I haven't updated in quite a while. So Tuesday at work I was thinking about this whole relationship thing. About how I'm having all these weird fucked up feelings ive never had before. Like how I actually care for starters. and can sometimes feel jealous. and how little things seem bigger because i care. and not always in a bad way. i mean it's really hard being in a relationship sometimes. you squabble sometimes. i miss chris when he's not around, which is odd. i missed him a lot over thanksgiving, even more odd. i dont get sick of him. i actually tell him things when im upset. well after some coaxing. more odd. i get pissy if we were supposed to hang out and we dont, or if he has a bad day and i actually care about that and want to make it better. this may be all old news to most people, but me being the cold hearted man eater, it's all new for me. but what's the weirdest of all, is that even when i feel vulnerable or awkward or scared or anything, i STILL like him. So my consensus is that relationships are just FUCKED up, because they torment you, and yet we all enjoy that torment. i wouldn't want to change any of it. I've been stressed out lately. I'm glad that the semester is almost over as far as classes go. I have so much i want to get done and do, but no ambition to do it because it's cold out and i just want to spend all day laying around and cuddling or something. I miss my family. and I worry about them. and things with them are kind of weird now. and the holidays make it more weirder because it's such a family time. and i have such a freaking dysfunctional family. but i still love it, and i love all of them. and i feel bad for some of my friends from home. well my two friends. because they get lonely sometimes because they dont have me there, and they haven't found another real close friend. and i feel bad sometimes because i have fucking awesome friends. and yeah things suck sometimes. but they're really good at the same time. it's weird. i think i might also be getting my period next week so i may be experiencing pms. which i dont normally get. i really want to get on the pill. so mostly, i have awesome friends, and an awesome boyfriend, and a loving family at home, and even though there's stress, i feel bad for all the people out there who can't even comprehend how wonderful things are for me because they dont have it. so for anyone who's not me. I'm sorry. there is a good chance that your life isn't as good as mine. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
8:44 pm	I'm happy. and I'm gonna be happy. Isn't it neat how we can change the world by changing our minds? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
12:42 pm	I am in an awesome mood. I saw steph last night, and it felt really good to see her. And it felt like I reached a good place with her, knowing that she will pull through for me, and obviously im important to her. It's nice that we can stay best friends no matter how much we see each other. Mar and Em were sister fighting last night. It's interesting for me to see how sisters interact because of how my sister and I interact. It's funny because I think with sisters, neither person is ever wrong, and most the time neither is 100 percent right, but it seems like with sisters we are far more stubborn than with other people and friends, probably because we know we can get away with it. You can toss away your friends, but your family is stuck with you. Although I guess that's not really that true. In my family it's not necessarily true. I mean we went for 3 years not knowing where my sister Mary was, and wondering if she had died or been murdered or something. It was funny in Anthropology when we had to chart out our families, and mines kinda dysfunctional, so the girl who was looking at mine was like, "you have an interesting family" and i was like yeah. and it made me think, yeah, i love my family. and family isn't just who you're born with. i believe you make your family with the people in your life who are there for you. the ones who hold your hair when you're puking or crying. i mean i consider everyone in our apartment to be somewhat sisters. it made me almost laugh last night, not because it's funny watching 2 people fight, but just because it's funny and awesome that the 2 people who are fighting about where to practice and stressing out about a show, are the same ones that when one is laying in the bathroom sobbing, the other is there rubbing her back. when i need someone to vent to, i have 3 people to cheer me up. when i get pissed off or irritated, it can be resolved. it's a good feeling to know that things will work out in the end. even though sometimes getting there sucks giant balls. i think we all sometimes get really sidetracked in life and forget to be grateful for what we have and the people we have in our lives, i mean all my friends talk about how thankful we are, but sometimes i think that we really aren't truly feeling it. for a few weeks i was really getting into poor me mode, thinking about how much i have on my plate. but there are people out there who have more on their plate, and no one to help them. if i drop my plate, i have 20 people waiting to put it back together and wipe the food off my face. thats a funny analogy. haha. anyways, i just feel very appreciative right now. i love my roomies and my family and everyone in my life. i am so lucky. if everyone could experience for a day what i experience on a daily basis, i feel that there would be a lot more love in the world. "Now I can die. And when I am dead you will cut out my heart and lay it in the blue jar. For then everything will be as it was then. All shall be blue round me, and in the midst of the blue world my heart will be innocent and free, and will beat gently, like a wake that sings, like the drops that fall from an oar blade...Is it not a sweet thing to think that, if only you have patience, all that has ever been, will come back to you?"- from The Blue Jar Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Enya (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
4:50 pm	im in a pretty good mood for the most part. yay! it's kind of a stressful week but i think it's gonna be alright. i did really really bad on my spanish oral interview so that sucks. it couldn't have gone much worse. unless i had fallen and broken my arm during it or something. arr. i really hope everything goes through with my loan. tomorrow i will be going with steph to get it notarized and hopefully then it will go through quickly so that the hold on my records comes off before the 15th because that's when i register. and i need to declare my major. arrr! i dont know if i can do much of anything until that stupid hold comes off my records. it really sucks not having money. boo. i need to pay rent tomorrow. then ill have 50 dollars to my name. but i owe mar $29 for the hookah, and em $11 for sam's club. so that's actually 10 dollars to my name. which will go for the gas to get to stephanies house and back. and then i will have 0. plus im 2 months behind on my cell phone bill, and ill have to make at least the minimum payment for my credit card and v.s. card. good thing im counting calories! haha. i may just have to drop out of school. not really, but it sucks. oh well! ill be finding a new job soon hopefully and once i start working full shifts on the weekends then that will help out. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
3:50 pm	i feel like today i finally broke through the wall ive been butting against lately. for one, i made a final decision about going to door county. i think ive been waiting for someone to make up my mind for me, but i need to start making my own damn choices and stop worrying so much about the consequences. more action less worrying. worrying gets me nowhere. i need to stop letting other people's emotions dictate mine so much. i think ive been so run down and tired lately that ive just been feeling however the people around me are feeling. i cant still be compassionate, but if someone's in a pissy mood or upset i need to stop letting it affect me, i cant cheer anyone up by being upset. that doesnt mean it's not ok to be upset, but i just need to start feeling what im feeling. i started crying on sun, ive started crying so much in the last couple weeks, and it hasn't yet been a really good cry the kind that makes you feel rejuvinated. however i also think ive been feeling sorry for myself somewhat. i mean yeah i have issues and there are a lot of things on my plate right now, but im also to blame for a lot for a lot of the stress i put myself under. if i stop skipping class and study every night for a little while instead of cramming for a test the night before id have a lot less stress to deal with. if i spend less and work more ill have less money issues, so there are a lot of thigns in my life i can work out just fine. i still need my self loan to go through so i need to get a hold of steph asap. im cleaning, im going to change my sheets, now that im getting regular booty, teehee :), and im going to clean and pack and myabe study too. and then tomorrow im taking my spanish test and going to door county and coming back on sunday revived and ready for a new leaf to turn over. yay! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
10:57 am	my feelings are incredibly hurt right now. i guess that's the major emotion im feeling right now. is hurt feelings an emotion? so this comes to a weird part because after our talk on that one wed ive been trying to justify people's actions and stuff and figure out why it's being done that way. but i guess what sucks is when both people feel that they're feeling somewhat right, then does that mean it's a stand still? friendships also involve compromise and listening, and i guess i feel like im talking but no one is hearing me, so whats the point. it's like being in high school or something all over again. im really hoping now that im going to door county next weekend. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 21st, 2006
6:00 pm	I'm a little bummed. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, but I'm a little sad that everyone's busy tonight or doesn't feel like hanging out. It sucks cause I completely understand on the one hand, but I was really looking forward to a girls night out type thing, and that won't be happening for awhile since everyone's gonna be busy for the most part next weekend, and most likely I'll be going to Door County possibly. And the weekend after Mar and Em will be in Milwaukee, and then sometime in November my fam will be up for a weekend, and then Thanksgiving. And I haven't been to the cruise in a long time. And my sister's up with Steph so it would be nice to have everyone hang out. Idk how I'm feeling. I guess I understand though because sometimes I don't feel like doing anything either and everyone needs a night alone or to get things done. Hmm. I guess I'm indecisive on what I'm feeling right now. Time goes by so fast, it feels like there's never enough time for everything I want to do or to happen. I can't believe that it's already practically November. I wish my life would slowwwwwww down. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 11th, 2006
11:01 pm	I am so inspired right now it's amazing. I am so lucky to have friends that can invoke such deep thoughts. Yay to Chloe and I for having a fucking awesome four hour conversation. Life is soooo good. (Dad's in the hospital again. boo.) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
3:16 pm	i could not get out of bed this morning. perhaps too much coffee yesterday? or perhaps im just not getting enough sleep. probably that. took my spanish test, hope it went good. it seemed like it was alright. started watching a horror movie that i now really want to finish. texted mandy. im getting kinda excited to go home this weekend to see ashley and mandy and my family. the drive will be kinda lame, but chris will be there for half of it so it wont be so bad, plus it's a good chance to listen to music and relax and think and what not. work tonight til 8 then coffee with the roomies yay! new starbucks drink to try. yay life. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 9th, 2006
9:00 pm	im in better spirits. going home this coming weekend. it's kinda sad. i like being here. things are good otherwise i think. kind of a long day, and im tired. spanish test tomorrow. oceanography quiz wed. but good spirits. yay! (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 1st, 2006
12:34 pm	my mom is filing for divorce in january. im not sure if it will really happen, or if she'll back out. but i wont be surprised if she follows through. i dont know how i feel about it. part of me feels sad, because ive always thought that my family is the best because we stay together through anything. but mostly i just worry because if they're divorced who will they be with? will my mom and dad find someone else? what if they don't and they're alone? my sister told me that my dad has worked a lot lately, that the last 4 weeks he's worked all 7 days, and with his health the way it is i know that's not good for him. i know he's depressed. i can barely talk to him on the phone. i miss him, i miss my mom. i miss my family before all of this became so much. i think my dad is going to work himself to death, and i feel like a lot of it is my fault. if i was still home then he would have something else to do. my parents gave me so much, and i moved so far away. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
9:19 pm	life is good (Comment on this)
9:13 pm	today was an amazing birthday, i couldn't ha ve asked for a better day. so many good things happened, i think most of it was due to me being in such a good mood. i woke up and ryan made me french toast and bacon for breakfast, and mar made coffee. I dressed cute, and I was smiley so everyone was smiling back at me a lot. and between anthro and spanish i got a carmel machiato and a roast beef panini which was awesome! and last night was obviously awesome. i got great presents. i talked to stephanie, i talked to ashley. i got ice cream with chris. i talked to my mom and dad. and crista. for some reason though right now i feel like im going to cry. which is odd because i had so much good energy. idk if maybe the energy ran out or what. everyones doing their homework and it feels like everyones stressed out from it. maybe im just having bad energy and so i feel like everyone else has bad energy even though they dont. hmm. im not sure. mar and ash went to go ask jj to buy alcohol, and then chris stopped by to see what we wanted from steve, and then em got home and i asked her to go bring them back because they hadn't come back yet, and then i was on the phone with crista and she was talking about her husband getting bombed and it was like bam, mood down. we're going to the cruise tomorrow night, so that'll be a good bonding night with the roomies i think. i feel like i need some good bondy dance crazy time. and friday ill have my party so ill be able to celebrate with everyone some more. i dont want to be upset on my birthday. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. it was awful talking to my dad on the phone today. i feel like i have abandoned him, and taken away one of the things that he lives for. i dont mean it in a conceited way or anything. but just the way he can barely talk to me on the phone, and i know his medication still isn't quite right. i feel like my parents are slipping away from me, and not in the sense of losing connection but just as far as their health goes. also my mom wrote me a letter that kind of made me upset, but not in a bad way really, just in a sad way. im glad im so loved, but i hate the fact that i mean so much to people when i cant be there for them all the time. it makes it difficult. I will have fun tonight. damn it. (Comment on this)
2:02 am	I haven't done a self update in awhile. More things will be mentioned later. However. I am in a very good place right now. First somewhat sad thought. Today was my parents anniversary, because it's the day before my birthday. I talked to my dad earlier, but didn't mention it. I wasn't sure what the protocol is for wishing people a happy anniversary when things aren't good. I'm not sure if they're even speaking yet, let alone doing the anniversary thing. Oh well. I was walking to the financial aid office, listening to shakira, and I had this amazing realization/revelation/good feeling. This summer I felt that if things didn't go as planned that my life would be meaningless. That I would be failing somehow. I felt like things weren't working out for me, it didn't seem fair, I felt weird. Then today as I was walking I had this awesome sense of peace because...I have amazing people in my life. I've had people tell me that before, and sometimes there's moments where it really hits me hard. Even if my parents aren't getting along, as individuals they are still some of the most amazing people I could ever know, let alone be raised by. They have overcome so much in their lives, and they have passed that strength on to me, so how dare I say that I can't get through things. I have siblings who want nothing but my happiness. I have a younger sister who even though we've had hardships, I know that she will love me know matter what, and that she'll always be there for me. I have Ashley and Mandy, both of whom love me completely, who have seen many sides of me, and who have been there through rough times, and good times. They helped shape me into a mix of the person I am now. I have the most amazing roommates possible. Mar, Em, and Ashley make me laugh, hug me when I need to cry, yell at me when I'm being a bitch, keep me motivated, introduce me to new things, and on top of everything, they help me know that no matter what happens in any other aspect of my life, I have people to fall back on. I have David, who drove out twice to visit me this summer, who is always ready to give me a hug, who keeps me sane with a dark sarcastic humor that I have to feed off of in order to function. I have Ryan, who is always there to lean on, always a considerate friend, and who I know wants nothing more than to be a good friend to me. I have Katie, and Sami, and Lisa, who both shower me with affection and love. Chloe who gives me insight and love, and helps me stay strong through her encouragement. I have Stephanie who is willing to give me anything I need at the slightest ask, and though we don't always talk often, I know that if I need her to co-sign a loan, or give me a lift, or just tell me that everything is going to be ok, she will. I've met Chris, who makes me feel completely comfortable, who takes care of me without making me feel suffocated, who jokes with me and laughs, and has made me actually want to be with someone for more than 1 night. haha. And he has great friends, who I'm also getting to know, Steve and Colin, who are like the brothers, hot brothers, who I can joke and be crude with. I could go on and on forever. And it makes me both happy and almost sad because I feel sorry for people who don't have so much to look forward to every day. I live for dancing in our underwear, spraying pam on the floor, having flour fights, taking long walks, short walks, dressing up like fairies, cuddling in the morning, or cuddling before bed, smoking hookah, baking yummy cookies and not so yummy cookies, dancing and running in the rain, talking about everything and nothing, rehashing the same issues a thousand times over, watching movies, watching xena, loving each other, not being afraid to love each other, for the hugs when im happy, the hugs when im sad, the shoulders to cry on, finally being able to open up, i live for the leaves turning colors and falling with the wind, getting coffee at 10 at night, contemplating getting coffee, singing in the car, singing in the shower, singing anywhere and everywhere, making fancy dinners, planning parties, talking about boys, dreaming, sleeping, napping, straws all the time, stars, drinking because i want to, and sometimes not drinking but pretending to be drunk, for mar screaming at the top of her lungs, for em's smile, for ashley's sometimes delayed laugh, for eating grilled cheese and tomato soup, pancakes in the morning...the list could go on forever. Things will be ok. In fact, they'll be great. And no matter how down I ever get, I've got a huge net of people ready to bring me back up. I need nothing else in life, for my friends fill me with pools of inspiration from which I can do nothing but be happy. As of right now, I am 20, and I have no regrets about anything that has ever happened in my life. How lucky am I? (fucking lucky) Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: The Postal Service...especially "such great heights" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
9:10 pm	i haven't updated in awhile. this week i almost thought i might not be able to go to school because i dont have enough financial aid. we're working it out though so everythings going to be ok. it was scary though. i just want to go back up to school. i can't freaking wait. but ashley's home and lollapalooza fucking ruled. (2 Comments |Comment on this)